I’m sorry I’m always scared. From the moment I found out about you until now, I was scared. I was scared to be your mom, because I wasn’t 100% confident I was fit to be a good one and I knew that you deserve better. I’m always worried for you and always doubt myself because of this. I’m always a little frightened to let you on your own or to trust others to take care of you. But I do it anyway! I don’t want you to miss out on figuring things by yourself just because I was too scared to let you go.
I’m always worried for your safety, for the way you grow, for the way I’m raising you, scared that I will not do it right and you will fail because of me. I will always be scared, because that’s what mothers do.
I’m sorry I can’t always keep my anger in check, and that I get angry at you, then at me, because I got angry at you, and that I sometimes raise my voice. I’m sorry I’m not always calm and in control of my feelings, because that would teach you how to be calm and in control of your feelings. I’m sorry I don’t always have the patience to explain things to you, but at least know that I try. I always make efforts to do that and to make sure you understand why I’m not letting you put your fingers in the electric outlet, or why my slippers are not good to eat. You cry, and I’m sorry, I understand your frustration of not understanding me, I’m really trying my best, kiddo.
I’m sorry I can’t give you everything your heart desires. I try to make a difference between what you need, and what you want just because it has a Mickey Mouse on. I’m sorry I can’t explain it to you better why you don’t need the Mickey Mouse shaped biscuits that have sugar in them, but you can have the normal shaped biscuits that are sweetened with fruits and therefore are healthier. I’m not doing it because I don’t love you, but because I DO.
I’m sorry I’m not always there for you. I do need to pee sometimes, even thought I wished I didn’t have too. And there will be times in your future when you will need me to stay away, to let you make your own decisions, and it will be hard as hell to watch you grow and act on your own, without interference, but I’ll sure try as hard as I can to give you the space to fly solo.
I’m sorry I kiss you too much, but after our first kiss, which was simply magical, every time I kiss you I live again the best day of my life over and over again, it’s like a drug that keeps me going and makes me the happiest person on Earth.
I’m sorry I’m saying so many NOs to you, I feel like I’m holding you back, but I’m doing it to protect you and to teach you good from bad, and for that I’m not sorry, I just feel bad you can’t understand my reasons. And I’m sorry I can’t always be your friend, I need to be your mom from time to time!
I’m sorry I have failed you, and that I’ll keep doing it, even though I try to do my best. I didn’t do enough, I didn’t know all that was needed to be known, I wasn’t there at your first sign of discomfort, I couldn’t protect you every single second of the day and sometimes you bumped your head, or you fell and I couldn’t catch you in time, sometimes I was protecting you from one corner of the table, and you stumbled and hit the other one… In my ideal world, you would’ve not cried at all, not even for one second for your entire life, but I failed to do that. And I will always fail, but I swear to you I am doing my best every day, and I’m always trying as hard as I can to not let you down, I can only promise I will TRY and do my best to protect you, even though trying is not enough.
I’m sorry I can’t take your pains away. I always wish I could get your flu and cure you, or have your bruises and bumps so nothing could ever hurt you. I’m sorry I can’t be sick in your place, but I can promise you I will be with you, cuddling and kissing your wounds, always checking on you and sleep with you until you feel better.
And I promise I will ALWAYS say I’m sorry, when I fail you, and I will ALWAYS say I love you, every day, so you will know, that even though I’m not perfect, I’m just your mom, the one that will always love you no matter how frustrated she feels, no matter if she’s not right there next to you to tell you, no matter if you hate me or you’re mad at me for some reason, no matter what, I will always love you.