I often think about how I was before getting pregnant. Lazy most of the time, but this laziness was interfering with my thirst of knowledge. Sure, I was curious about stuff, but I didn’t necessary wanted to get on and learn, only if I ABSOLUTELY needed something in particular. When I thought about having a baby back then, I was so sure it was going to be a piece of cake leaving him with other people or it was obvious I would not change my habits of going out with my husband and his friends, or I was so sure I was going to feel the NEED to leave the baby for a while after EVERY minute of the day spent with him.
Well, the reality is WAY different now. The laziness is no more. I mean, it would be there, but I have no choice really. No time for being lazy. If I choose lazy over making dinner, well, we will starve, baby included. Or if I don’t do laundry, we will not have any clean clothes to wear. So basically, I can’t afford to watch my TV shows I watched before, they take too much time that I rather spend with my husband, my baby, or that I NEED to do something practical instead.
Leaving baby behind reaps my heart right into two pieces. Because I worry, that is what mothers do, but I also miss him. I could have a nice time with my husband out, while my mom is taking care of Eric EXACTLY how I would take care of him, but I would think of his smiles and laughs and silliness the entire time. I would worry about him crying and I would feel empty and selfish that I’m out instead of spending my time with him and nurse him to sleep and sing to him while I watch him doze off. BUT no matter how pained I am, and how a part of me gets sad and just needs to run to my baby and hug him really tight, I also know he needs his space. He needs other people, he needs to trust the people around him, and not just me, that makes me jealous, but I try NOT to be, and let him find his trust in others, and explore on his own, and be curious about people around him. My heart just wants to cuddle and hug him and never let go of his hand, but I do, because it is what he needs, and THAT is the priority in my life now, his needs.
About my curiosity to learn new stuff. Well, after I gave birth, a new life has opened in front of me. The “motherhood” got me in touch with a lot of new domains for me, like breastfeeding and natural birth. Breastfeeding got me so hooked into learning about it that I can honestly say I can provide help to other moms. I did a breastfeeding course online that got me a diploma and made me want to try more courses like this one to make my breastfeeding help have a greater impact on new moms. But not just for that, I’m really curious and feel the NEED to learn more and to know as much as I can so I could help others without doubting myself. I’m pretty sure I know now more than many new moms, and old moms, and what I don’t know I can easily do the research and get the answers in no time. I’m also always researching foods he can or cannot eat besides breastmilk.
The natural birth area got me curious because I always wanted to get one, but by Romanian standards I couldn’t because of my eye problems. Well, turns out if I did more research before, I could’ve gotten my natural water birth I always wanted. Maybe next time I will. But until then, if there will ever be a next time, I will always recommend it to everyone that hasn’t her mind set on a C section. I can’t speak from my own experience, like breastfeeding, but I think if I WILL do it, I would advise others as well. A natural birth would mean no pills to speed up things, as those pills can make the pain more awful than it really is, no pills for the pain as those can interfere with feeling your body “say” to you WHEN you need to push, and a water birth so baby will easily get from your warm body, to another warm environment, and right after that to your chest for nursing.
Motherhood has changed me, and I think I’m a better person, which couldn’t mean much necessarily, but I feel better in my own skin now, and I love it.